New state mottos for every single state

On September 9th, 2014, Comedy Central’s show @midnight, known for its interactive “hashtag wars” on Twitter, asked for #NewStateMottos.

Never one to shy away from a challenge, and because I drink a pot of coffee a day, stay up all night, and have that kind of time, I wrote one for every single state in the union. Here they are in no particular order:

Pennsylvania: Wanna Start a Bar Fight? Yell, “[So-and-so] Makes the Best Philly Cheesesteak!”

Maine: Nothing Bad Ever Happens Here, Just Ask Stephen King

New Hampshire: Live Free or Die Trying to Get the Fuck Out of New Hampshire

Massachusetts: You Can Take the Irish Out of Ireland, But Only if You Promise to Put Them in an Irish Bar

Rhode Island? Where We’re Going We Don’t Need Rhode Island

New York: Give Us Your Tired, Poor, Huddled Masses Longing to Be Free, So Long as They Aren’t More Mexicans

Connecticut: You’re Almost to New York!

New Jersey: Born in the USA, But Only Because We Missed the Abortion Cut-Off Date

Delaware: Delawe’re Just Happy to Be Here!

Maryland: Like Disneyland if Every Single Ride at Disneyland Was Broken

Virginia: For the Lovers-slash-Second-Cousins

North Carolina: Tennessee in Reverse

South Carolina: For Honeymoons on a Budget

Ohio: Cleveland’s Kinda Like Our Austin. No? You Sure?? Fuck …

Hawaii: Don’t Mind Us. Just Inching Our Way Towards Australia.

Alaska: The Last Frontier and Nearly Extinct, Thanks to Your Trigger-Happy, Would-Be Vice President

Vermont: White? Rich? Welcome to Vermont!


Georgia: Where the Cops Are Just Peachy!

Florida: Where the Drivers Are So Bad Because They’re From Everywhere Else
(and … yeah, FL gets two ’cause I’m from here)
Florida: Our Crazies Can Outcrazy Your Crazies

Michigan: Robocop Will Save Us

Wisconsin: Pairing Shitty Beer with Cheese Since 1895

Illinois: Come for Chicago, Stay Because You Died in Chicago

Kentucky: I Don’t Know About “Orange,” But Something Rhymes with “Yucky”

Tennessee: Where the Country Music of Today Meets the Horrible Rap of Yesterday and They Fuck Each Other, and Us

Alabama: Can You Believe There’s a NASA Space Center Here?!

Mississippi: So Many S’s, So Few Reasons to Vissitt

Louisiana: Mother Nature’s Punching Bag

Arkansas: On a Scale of 1 to 10, We’re an Eleventeen!

Missouri: And We Were Doing So Well to Avoid National News …

Iowa: Native American for “Drive Straight Through”

Minnesota: You Can’t Say Shit About Us. Have You Heard Us Speak? We’re Adorable. Like Gnomes. Want Some Pie?

Oklahoma: All the Conservative Logic of Texas in Half the Size

South Dakota: ‘Cause One Dakota Simply Isn’t Enough

Kansas: All We Are Really IS Just Dust in the Wind

Nebraska: Putting the “Ass” in the Middle of Other Letters (and States)

New Mexico: Falsely Accused of Being “Better Than Old Mexico”

Colorado: The Cheese in the Mouse Trap for Aspiring Felons from Kansas

Arizona: Where a Man with a Car with a Deep Trunk Can Make a Pretty Honest Living

Utah: Ignore the Boring, Try Polygamy!

Wyoming: Where Neighbors Still Settle Land Disputes with Duels

Montana: Where Backwoods Militias Rub Elbows with the Stars

Idaho: A Potato Gun Aimed at Canada

Nevada: With Just a Roll of the Dice, Grandmas Can Become Hookers, and Vice Versa

Texas: Rick Perry’s Cuba

California: The Red Hot Chili Peppers Wrote Our State Song. At gunpoint.

Washington: Come for the Tech Jobs, Stay to Play “Homeless or in-a-Grunge-Band?”

Oregon: So Hip, We Were a State Before There Was Even a United States

West Virginia: Same Great Taste, Less East

North Dakota: South Dakota’s Human Shield Between It and Canada